NFL Shit-Talking Haikus
I write this from a hotel room in Philadelphia on New Year’s Eve and editing it a few days later. One of my close friends got married on the 30th, so I have no more party left in me for New Year’s Eve (plus an early flight tomorrow morning). I grabbed food with the wedding party and ventured back to my hotel room where I’m living my best life eating a Philly cheesesteak and not paying a $50 cover to a bar where I can normally get in for free.
I’m writing this because in the blur that was the wedding after-party, one of my friend’s friends said he liked to get drunk and talk shit to non-Eagles fans via haiku, and I think I came up with a pretty good one on the spot about the Patriots. Now that I’ve got some time to kill while drying myself out, I want to take on the challenge of trying this with the other 31 teams.
Without further adieu, talking shit via haiku:
Dallas Cowboys
America’s team
lol no one likes u
Romo dropped the ball
Washington I’m Not Typing Thats
Theisman 2.0
Shanny killed RGIII’s knee
Snyder’s 54
New York Giants
Famous cuz the Pats
Otherwise, what do you do?
(you’re not in New York)
Philadelphia Eagles
You won and ate shit
No really, a guy ate shit
This happened, Philly
Green Bay Packers
You’re not an owner
You wasted A-Arod’s prime
Favre is a Viking
Minnesota Vikings
You will never win
The Bills, but much less famous
Favre is a Packer
Chicago Bears
Worst song of all time
Hey, remember Rex Grossman?
Cutler is your G.O.A.T.
Detroit Lions
Forgot about you
No really, you still exist?
The Red Wings still suck
Carolina Panthers
Von Miller owns you
Jaguars have more tradition
College bball sucks
New Orleans Saints
We all know Who Dat
Dolphins were Brees’ first choice
DIGGS! SIDELINE! TOUCHDOWN!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
EAT DAT W!
You made Gruden think he’s good
The first to be worst
Atlanta Falcons
Rod ran by Eugene
The Dirty Bird was stupid
28 to 3
Los Angeles Rams
Worst fuckin sports town
You owe St. Louis money
Dickerson’s a Colt
Arizona Cardinals
LOLLLLL James Harrison
Way too many busts to count
Santonio Holmes
Seattle Seahawks
RUN THE FUCKING BALL
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU????
RUN THE FUCKING BALL!!!!!
San Francisco
Picked the wrong Harbaugh
Jimmy ain’t better than Kaep
Rice is a Raider
Denver Broncos
Most SB losses
We’re a bunch of lunatics
SB champs cheated
Oakland Raiders
TEN YEARS, HUNDRED MIL????
Been five decades since Madden
Always a punchline
Kansas City Chiefs
Denver’s Neil Smith
No one knows you won a ring
Reid clock management
Los Angeles Chargers
No rings with LT
You’ll never play a home game
Rivers hates your home
Indianapolis Colts
You tried to kill Luck
Harrison shot somebody
Peyton’s a Bronco
Houston Texans
Boring ass franchise
Plays boring ass playoff games
Should be contracted
Jacksonville Jaguars
Famous cuz you suck
$54M for Bortles????
Moving to London
Tennessee Titans
Dyson just missed it
Did you see it? One yard short!
Or maybe shorter :)
Pittsburgh Steelers
No one buys your shtick
Big Ben’s so overrated
Bradshaw was meh too
Cleveland Browns
The Drive, The Fumble
Your deep despair is my joy
Please, keep ’em comin’
Baltimore Ravens
Lee Evans Cundiffed
Flacco’s eliteness killed you
Ray Lewis, murder
Cincinnati Bengals
OG suck G.O.A.T.s
Burfict belongs in prison
Look! That’s John Candy!
Buffalo Bills
Four Super Bowl Ls
Music City Miracle
Wide right forever
Miami Dolphins
This one is quite hard
Nothing important happens
The “meh” champions
New York Jets
Namath was awful
2nd class team in own town
Rex Ryan loves feet
New England Patriots
Eli just got free
Heaves it up to Dave Tyree
A helmet catch! Wheeeee!!!!!
