Week 3 College Football/Week 2 NFL Bets
Hell freaking yeah. My “don’t think about the games too hard, don’t do any research and pick straight from the gut” approach worked like magic last week, so we’re definitely keeping with this theme this week. Oh God, I just realized that I’m college football Trump now. Sad! I guess this means I have to make my picks in his voice.
Oklahoma State (-11.5) @ Pitt
Pitt is a loser program that has always been bad. Oklahoma State is coached by a MAN! Who is 40! Alpha males make me hard.
UCLA (-3) @ Memphis
Let me tell you folks, I know that Vegas desperately wants me to bet the Bruins. They think they’re so smart with this line. Well guess what, they’re not smarter than me! No one’s smarter than me! Except me. MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!
Duke (-12.5) vs Baylor
Please, like I’m going to pick a bunch of hicks out in the boonies over my rich friends.
Boston College (+13) vs Notre Dame
Speaking of rich friends, this game features REAL Americans who love Josus just like me. I mean Jemus. Or Jeebus, whatever that Jew’s name is.
BYU (+17) vs Wisconsin
HILLARY NEVER WENT TO WISCONSIN! I AM THE SMARTEST PERSON EVER! MY DADDY DEFINITELY LOVES ME!
Tennessee (+5) @ Florida
Florida just lost to some random team called Irma. What losers. How can you pick them after an embarrassment like that?
Missouri (-6) vs Purdue
Folks, I am going to put our Boilermakers back to work, but let’s be honest, right now they’re just no good. No good!
Wyoming (+14) vs Oregon
Oregon voted for Hillary like the losers they are, and I love Josh Allen as much as all of my kids combined: Ivanka, Jared, Don Jr, Eric and Barron. Yup. That’s all my kids. Can’t think of any more.
South Carolina (-5.5) vs Kentucky
How can you bet against the old ball coach?
**aide whispers in my ear**
FAKE NEWS! Steve Spurrier will lead the GameCOCKS (hehe) to glory today.
Louisville (+3) @ Clemson
Folks, time to break down the fourth wall here. I have a brain the size of a peanut with half the cognitive ability of one and even I can see that Lamar Jackson is a different species than the rest of us.
Texas (+16) @ USC
Texas is better than California. California is a fake state folks. I won the popular vote once you remove the 40 million illegals voting there.
San Diego State (+9) vs Stanford
NO ONE TOLD ME SAN DIEGO SECEDED FROM CALIFORNIA!?!?! WHAT THE HELL FOLKS? This is the best news ever! That means I won the popular vote! San Diego is the best state now! Daddy really does love me!
NFL picks coming tomorrow, likely not in a Donald Trump voice because this shit crushed my brain.
NFL Bets
No more Trumpisms. I’m short on time so let’s go to the lightning round.
Cincy (-5) vs Houston
I’m never betting Thursday Night Football again, that way I don’t have to watch these garbage games.
Tennessee (-1) @ Jacksonville
Hot taek: the Jaguars are still bad.
Cleveland (+7.5) @ Baltimore
Hot taek: the Browns are not so bad.
Carolina (-6.5) vs Buffalo
I picked the Bills initially, then I woke up this morning to see a bunch of Vegas people that I follow saying that everyone and their mother is on the Bills, so fuck whatever I think about this game, and #fadethepublic.
New Orleans (+7) vs New England
Hot taek: the Patriots front 7 is really bad and it’s not getting fixed any time soon.
Minnesota (+10) @ Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh always looks better on paper than they are in real life. Even with Bradford out, the Vikings are good enough to keep this close.
Chicago (+7) @ Tampa Bay
Da Bears are my early season value team. Bet them until they lose.
Oakland (-14) vs NY Jets
Not a hot taek: the Jets are the worst NFL team in years.
Denver (+3) vs Dallas
I’m so fucking hopeless.
Kansas City (-5) vs Philly
This may be an overreaction to last week, but if the Chiefs are committed to taking deep shots, this may be the most complete team in the NFL.
Green Bay (+3) @ Atlanta
I will be at this game, and in order to keep up with my contrarian cred, I have to bet the Packers.
Bad Team Teaser
Last week I said I’m going to toss the two worst teams in football, the Jets and 49ers, in to 2 team teasers all year until I lose. Leggo.
Seattle (-7)/Oakland (-7)
Enjoy the games folks.
Last Week NCAA: 9–4
Season NCAA: 14–12
Last Week NFL: 6–4
