Week 4 College Football/Week 3 NFL Bets
Welp, turning into the Donald last week sure as hell didn’t give me any good karma. I’m still sticking with my “don’t think too hard” strategy because I’m 13–12 with it, but clearly speaking in the biggest manchild’s voice in history pissed the gambling gods off last week. And who could blame them? I mean, look at this shit.
Is there a bigger sports fraud in political history? I mean, I know that every politician ever likes to put on the cool dad shtick and pretend they’re hip to what the kids are watching these days, but Trump doesn’t even try to fake that part of it. He just regularly bashes different athletes, and goes on rants about how the quality of play in the NFL is bad, except I have NEVER seen him tweet about a game during a game — you know, one of the main uses of Twitter (and I’m very familiar with his tweets because he’s the only person I get alerts for. I like to say that this is for my job, but it’s probably linked to some deep seeded self-loathing I have, and my self-enforced punishment is to be aware of whatever bullshit is rattling around in the most powerful pea brain on planet Earth).
In fact, Trump has a penchant for bitching about something he just saw on cable news right in the middle of Sunday Night Football. I remember he did it during a Pats-Broncos game a few back. I’m sorry dude, if you’re not watching Brady versus Manning on Sunday Night Football, you don’t like football. Period. You just like the ability it gives you to pretend like you’re a manly man and not a soft-ass rich kid who couldn’t beat up a fly stuck in your soup. So shut the fuck up and get back to the only thing you’re good at: being a racist, sexist piece of shit with the cognitive abilities of a can of tuna. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck you if you’re still on board with this white nationalist president.
Wait, what’s that I hear from the back row?
Could it be?
Hold on, let’s listen closely.
“stick to spooooooorts!”
Ah, yes. The mating call of the bro doofus, or broofus. Yes, this is a sports column (written by a political writer), so let’s get to the sportsing and leave the racist incompetence to the experts.
Arkansas (+3) vs Texas A&M in Arlington
I’m on board with a nightmare year for Kevin Sumlin. Feels like his time is up.
NC State (+11) @ Florida State
This is a simple and obvious bet. Good Wolfpack defense. No DeAndre Francois. That’s it.
Georgia Tech (-8) vs Pittsburgh
I will say, Trump did get one thing right last week:
Pitt is a loser program that has always been bad. Oklahoma State is coached by a MAN! Who is 40! Alpha males make me hard.
Maryland (-6) vs Central Florida
I’m not prepared to live in a world where Maryland football is good, but it seems like that’s in range this season.
Duke (+1) @ North Carolina
Duke’s quarterback has jumped off the screen this season. I’m really impressed. Expect to see them here a lot.
Alabama (-20.5) @ Vanderbilt
lmfao like I’m ever gonna bet fucking Vandy in this matchup.
TCU (+13) @ Oklahoma State
I’ve said it a couple times this year and I’ll say it again: Gary Patterson does not have bad back to back seasons. Expect TCU to keep this close in what is effectively a Big 12 semifinal.
Michigan (-11) @ Purdue
Boy did I waver on this one. I’ve bet against Purdue every week this year and now it looks like my jinxing super powers turned them into a good team. I’m torn, because I want to get in on the fun, but this is also the exact kind of game where I’d be slamming my head on the desk as Michigan takes a 24–6 lead into the half. If Purdue covers today, they’re officially my white wale for 2017.
San Diego State (-3) @ Air Force
This line seems way too low. SDSU is a real football team, and I love Air Force, but I’ve watched them my entire life. Their gimmicky offense always runs out of steam the second it faces NFL talent.
Penn State (-11.5) @ Iowa
Just too much offense for the Hawkeyes here. This is largely based off their game against Iowa State, and if Iowa gets down two scores to Barkley and McSorley, watch out. This could get ugly.
Missouri (+18) vs Auburn
Auburn dismissed their NFL-caliber QB for getting drunk, so there’s definitely something else going on behind the scenes. I am 100% certain that I put the stink on their season by saying that they could challenge Bama in the SEC. The nightmare season for Auburn is already in full-swing.
Michigan State (+3) vs Notre Dame
Even(ish) teams. Home team. Points. That’s as complex as this thinking gets.
Colorado (+11) vs Washington
I am flying home later today and will be watching this game in Colorado. That’s about it. I can’t really justify this other than “CU’s defense has looked great against teams way way way way worse than Washington!”
Wyoming (-5) vs Hawaii
I am the violin player on the Wyoming Titanic. I am never leaving this ship. Also UMass should’ve beaten Hawaii earlier this year, so if the Cowboys can’t cover this then Josh Allen doesn’t deserve to go #1.
UCLA (+7) @ Stanford
Both teams are effectively playing for their seasons, so I like whomever is getting points here.
NFL Picks coming tomorrow.
Gonna rush through this since I’m distracted by all the anthem protests the dipshit inspired.
Cleveland (-1) @ Indianapolis
Indy is quite bad. And I’m in year 3 of thinking Cleveland is about to be good.
Chicago (+7) vs Pittsburgh
The Bears are my new Browns.
Denver (-3.5) @ Buffalo
I really hope my genuine pessimism jinxed the shit out of these guys and Trevor Siemian turned into peak Alex Smith over the offseason.
Tampa Bay (PK) @ Minnesota
I bet on Case Keenum last week. I will never make that mistake ever again.
Atlanta (-3) @ Detroit
I saw the Falcons in person last night and holy hell is that defensive line a monster. Remember Dontari Poe? Broncos fans sure do. He’s back. And he’s eating up double teams on every damn play.
Seattle (+2) @ Tennessee
Just going against the narrative of the Titans have arrived! and Seattle is dead! Contrarianism makes you money in this league. The narrative could be right, this time, but history is on my side this early in the season.
Kansas City (-3) @ LA Chargers
I’ve been buying Chiefs stock in bulk for the last few years, so why the hell would I stop now?
6 point teaser: Dolphins (PK) @ Jets/Packers (-1) vs Bengals
I said I was going to throw the Jets and 49ers into a teaser every week and see how it worked out. I’m amending that. The 49ers aren’t dogshit. DeForest Buckner has stabilized that defensive line, and they should be competitive enough to make this a loser. The Jets? They’re still dogshit and will forever be dogshit so the new rule is tease the Jets with another team you like.
6 point teaser: Packers (-1)/Steelers (-1) vs Bears
A: this is a nice hedge against my Bears bet (I think?)
B: this looks waaaaaaaaaaaay too obvious.
C: Shit, what did I do?
Last Week NCAA: 4–8
Season NCAA: 18–20
Last Week NFL: 4–8
Season NFL: 10–12
