Week 5 Football Bets
I got a strong message from the gambling gods last week that this is not going to be my year. Here I am sitting with a UCLA +3.5 ticket with them down 16–13 with the ball at the 50 and 4 seconds to go, thinking that I’m so much smarter than all the schlubs who got them at +3, and poof. A fumble return for a TD later and I added another brutal backdoor to my pantheon of pain. The gambling gods are pissed, so I will be posting these picks as a public service to those who like free money. Bet against me the rest of the way and you’ll have more money than Donald Trump by the end of January.
NCAA
Stanford (+3.5) @ Washington
This is the only bet I feel strongly about which means that Stanford is going to be lifted off the field by a tornado as they’re driving for the cover in the 4th quarter.
Texas (+3) @ Oklahoma State
The road team has won roughly 1,465 games in a row in this series. Plus Texas’ offense looks good and their defense looked great last year. With 7 returning starters, the D should be better than this.
Penn State (-2) vs Minnesota
When in doubt, take the great home field advantage.
West Virginia (-2.5) vs Kansas State
Ditto
Michigan (-10.5) vs Wisconsin
I’m not convinced the Badgers have a real offense yet. Michigan should pull away in the fourth quarter here.
Florida State (-11) vs North Carolina
And the Tar Heels don’t have a defense. The Noles will do the same here.
Tennessee (-3.5) @ Georgia
This feels dumb buying it on the half point but fuck it, these teams are trending in two very different directions.
Utah (+2) @ California
Cal is basically the Pac-12 version of the Saints.
Clemson (+2) vs Louisville
The Cardinal being good are probably the only thing I got right to start the season, but Clemson is just stupid talented. I think we’ll see Lamar Jackson and company come crashing back to earth a bit.
Arizona State (+10) @ USC
Given the tire fire that has been USC so far, this feels about 3 points too high.
Parlays/Teasers
Moneyline Parlay: Stanford/Michigan/Colorado/Florida State/Clemson (+730 odds)
NFL
Oakland (+3) @ Baltimore
Baltimore is so damn fraudulent. Oakland is overrated, but these teams are equal so take the points.
Denver (-3) @ Tampa Bay
I may be a homer, but this line is fucking stupid.
New Orleans (+4) @ San Diego
The Chargers have no home field advantage and no players. How is this 4?
Kansas City (+5.5) @ Pittsburgh
I used to bet on the Chargers a lot only to have them drive me crazy with inconsistent and unpredictable games, so I swore them off. What I didn’t realize is that around the same time, I started doing the same thing with the Chiefs. Now I can’t stop. Please someone help me.
Parlays/Teasers
10 Point Teaser: Tennessee (+15)/Denver (+7)/New Orleans (+14)
TOTAL
Last Week NCAA: 6–7 (EFF YOU STANFORD!! THIS SHOULD BE 7–6!)
Season NCAA: 13–24–1
NCAA Teasers/Parlays: 0–4
Last Week NFL: 4–2–1
Season NFL: 9–7–1
NFL Teasers/Parlays: 2–4
